Steady

Four years ago, I was a 14-year-old girl grasping the first strings of depression. I never knew what it was. Back then, I really had no clue what the hell it was. I was never taught anything about mental health or mental illnesses before then. I always thought depression was just being sad, but boy was I in for a surprise. 

Anyway, it was a summer night, probably the night before I started my freshman year of high school. I remember because it was probably like 80°F in the house and I was awake at the weirdest time (probably like 2am or something similar to that). I remember what had set me off. It was the fact that I had gotten into an argument with my old best friend and his girl at the time. She made me feel useless and small and just invisible. I'd equate it to a carnival, where she was the main attraction and I was the freak show so shitty I was on the verge of shutting down. Not only that, but a family member of mine told me that I should kill myself (not the best thing to hear, especially considering how much I love her and how much I expected her to be there for me). That day, I was ready to. I'd been sobbing that day because of all the fighting for my best friend and it didn't help that my family member thought my idea was a good thing. I went into the restroom, fully aware, and looked for a razor (a messy way to go, I know). I wanted a sign, any sign, as to why I shouldn't do what I was set on doing, and lo and behold, I got one. I never found a razor. I broke and sat there crying and I thought about how much I had in my life. 
I'd never realized it, but I had everything I could ever ask for. I had my two siblings. I had my cousins. I had my aunts and uncles. I had my friends. I had a support system. I had everything. I just kept pushing everyone away because my depression made it seem like it was the best thing to do. 
Back then, I never thought I'd make it to 18. I never thought I'd graduate. I never thought I'd be happy. I never thought I'd have the life I wanted. Today, I'm a high school graduate. Today, I'm 24 days away from moving into college. Today, I love myself. Today, I appreciate everyone I have in my life. Today, I still struggle, but it's not as hard.